It’s been almost 20 years since Lenny told us to “Let Love Rule” and since then many have fallen hard for lovers and friends, only to realize that love really wasn’t enough to sustain them.

Right now, I find myself wondering the same thing.

Is love really enough?

Beloved and I have been together for 8 years, and [...]]]>

It’s been almost 20 years since Lenny told us to “Let Love Rule” and since then many have fallen hard for lovers and friends, only to realize that love really wasn’t enough to sustain them.

Right now, I find myself wondering the same thing.

Is love really enough?

Beloved and I have been together for 8 years, and in that time we’ve loved hard. Before he was incarcerated, we would spend hours or even days holed up in our apartment, doing nothing but enjoying each other’s presence. If we got hungry, or bored with our apartment, we’d roam the streets of New York City, seeing everything…together. We created a little world that was so warm and comfortable, that we rarely let others in. Then, all that changed. He was locked up and I was left alone to raise a son, make ends meet, work, and deal with the loss of my best friend.

When he first got locked up, everything was raw: emotions, longing, wanting, love. Everything seemed to pulse and ooze with the urgency of our missing. We continued to love hard. Trading letters feverishly, as if our life deepened on it…and really,  it did. In those first few months, and even years, that he was gone I NEEDED to know that despite the miles, and barbed wire, and prison walls we were still right HERE. Connected in mind, spirit, and heart in spite of.  But for the last year, Beloved’s been in solitary confinement and the connection has seemed to get lost somewhere in the shuffle.

Just before my birthday I reached out to a friend I hadn’t talked to in years. This friend was someone I cared deeply about back in college, but our timing was never right. He had girlfriends, or I was spoken for…so over the years we’ve just floated in and out of each other’s lives. Because I was going to be in NY (he lives in Brooklyn), I reached out to invite him out to celebrate with me and my friends. He couldn’t make it, but we kept trading emails anyway. Well…those emails turned into chats, and the chats turned into phone calls, and before I knew it we were spending hours on the phone at a time.

*sigh*

I should have pulled back. Should have not even let it get so far, but I just couldn’t. Talking to him made me feel…good. Even though we hadn’t spoken since 2007, we quickly fell into our old rhythm of talking about music, life, goals, relationships, and before I knew it we were trying to figure out when he could come to LA for a visit.

The guilt was palpable. We both told each other that his visit, if it were to happen, was just a meeting of old friends. Just two homies reconnecting and catching up. But our conversations were so charged. So full of possibility that they had to stop.

The thing is though, I wasn’t the one to pull back. You see, he’s in a relationship (a very complicated one, but a relationship none the less), and he thought that our friendship would pose a problem if we continued on with our marathon convos and plans to meet up. He was right. I suppose just I got caught up in how I felt talking to a man who cared about me.

It has been so long. Beloved and I haven’t talked on the phone since August 2009. And I’ve only had the pleasure of seeing him/hearing his voice twice since then. It’s been very, very hard, and I guess I didn’t even realize just how lonely I felt until I reconnected with my friend. I have been so focused on getting through the day-to-day grind that I didn’t have time to think about what I wanted or needed…until now.

Now my head is blown.

Now I am not sure that I can carry this weight. We’ve been dealing with prisons for nearly 5 years now, and I’m tired. I’m loney, and I’m worried that I won’t be able to carry this….feeling…for the next 8 years. Never before have I felt like I couldn’t soldier through it, but I’m having doubts.

Perhaps the lack of communication between Beloved and I is just getting to me. I would give almost anything to just hear his voice right now. Maybe I just need to see him, touch him, sit with him to reasure me that everything will be fine.

But what if that isn’t enough? What if love really isn’t enough to get us through this ?

~

What do you guys think?

Can love really be enough to get make it through anything?

Did I cross the line with ol boy? #lesigh

Have you ever felt love was/wasn’t enough?

Let me let you in on a little secret: I’m selfish.

Except when it comes to the needs of my son and beloved, which seem to always climb ahead of my own.

I’ve never understood the plight of women who complained about losing themselves because they put themselves last until it happened to me.

When beloved first [...]]]>

Let me let you in on a little secret: I’m selfish.

Except when it comes to the needs of my son and beloved, which seem to always climb ahead of my own.

I’ve never understood the plight of women who complained about losing themselves because they put themselves last until it happened to me.

When beloved first got locked up, it was like I lost a piece of myself. I was a week away from the birth of our son and I was an emotional wreck. When he made it to Rikers Island and could receive packages, I made sure he had EVERYTHING. I didn’t want him bargaining for the basics, soI sent clothes, underwear, shoes, books, magazines. I spent so much money that first year, it was crazy. Part of me felt guilty because I was free and he wasn’t, so I overdid it. I would stay at home, turn down invites from friends under the guise of not having a babysitter, but really, I felt that I shouldn’t be out enjoying myself when he couldn’t. I effectively put his needs (or my perception of his needs) before any and all of mine. Somewhere between being a mommy and providing for my family, I lost pieces of myself, just like all those women I couldn’t seem to understand. Slowly, but steadily, I became last on the list.

For the past two months beloved has been in the box—solitary—unable to make calls. His time in the SHU has also coincided with the new school year and the munchkin’s foray into preschool. Over the course of his years in prison, beloved has asked for less, aware of the growing financial responsibilities I shoulder, and my son has become more independent. The collision of these things have opened up a lot of free time, and allowed me time for reflection.

Instead of rushing from work to pick up the munchkin, I don’t pick him up until 5:30 (which he loves), which gives me time to decompress after a LONG day of dealing with other people’s kids. I’m able to work out (which I haven’t done yet, but soon!), veg out, or read. I love it. I feel so indulgent taking this time just for myself. It’s helping to keep me sane and not mistakenly heap the residual frustration I feel from teaching on his little shoulders. It’s definitely a win-win all the way around.

I started reflecting about putting myself first after seeing beloved this past Saturday. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since August (because of solitary), and I was worried. To ease my mind, I made a quick trip to see him. He was very happy to see me, and I was happy he was ok. During our short visit, he kept telling me that he wanted me to be happy and live life. He  reiterated that he wanted me to enjoy myself and that he loved me. I told him I do enjoy my life and that my love for him hasn’t changed, but is that the truth? Do I enjoy my life?

There are a lot of things I wish were different. Teaching is great, for someone, but not necessarily for me. I’d love to have a job that I look forward to each day, not one where I wish for summer break to hurry up.  I’d also love to travel. Everywhere. I’m going to be 30 next year and have only been out of the country once (& does Canada really count?). I have been thinking a lot about taking a trip for my birthday, but then guilt creeps in: Beloved can’t share it with me, so maybe I should wait?

But I realize that I can’t keep waiting. I can’t keep putting things on hold because he can’t share them with me. I know that when he does come home we can create new memories, but if I put everything on hold, myself included, I will come to resent this life and him.  I don’t want to fall victim to resentment and shoulda, woulda, couldas, so I’m putting myself at the top of the list.

Turning 30 provides the perfect opportunity to reflect on my life, survey where I am and where I want to go. I’ve accomplished a lot in 29 years, but there’s so much more I want to see and do. And you know what? I’m not going to wait anymore. I’m just going to do it.

~~

Do you have trouble putting yourself first?

What have you been putting off, that you really want to do?

when i found out i was pregnant with the munchkin, beloved struggled with my decision to have him. we were both students, i had just lost my job (our main source of survival), and we weren’t married. from the beginning i knew i wanted to usher this baby into the world. not really because i [...]]]>

when i found out i was pregnant with the munchkin, beloved struggled with my decision to have him. we were both students, i had just lost my job (our main source of survival), and we weren’t married. from the beginning i knew i wanted to usher this baby into the world. not really because i felt an instant connection, and not because i was brave beyond measure, but because my momma always raised me to keep my legs closed, and in the event i happened to get preggo, i’d woman-up and have the baby. and so i did. and this little boy has been an amazing addition to my life. quite honestly, had it not been for him i might not have fought so hard to keep my relationship with beloved together. i might have fallen apart when the shit hit the fan. but i didn’t. knowing i had to keep it together, knowing i couldn’t draw up into a ball and fall deeply into depression, has motivated me to be the best woman i can be for my son.

i’m sure my story isn’t unique. i’m sure millions of other women have found themselves knocked up sooner than they thought, and had to change their course in order to be the best mommy they could be. sometimes i wonder what my life would be like if we’d just waited to have the munchkin. when i hear my friends talking about jetting off to the Bahamas or going to some club, i’m a bit jealous. but the question begs to be asked…am i happy? are you?

a recent Newsweek article took a look at a study that measured the happiness of people with and without children. it found that childless people are, according to the study, 7% happier than parents. the article states,

“Parents experience lower levels of emotional well-being, less frequent positive emotions and more frequent negative emotions than their childless peers,” says Florida State University’s Robin Simon, a sociology professor who’s conducted several recent parenting studies, the most thorough of which came out in 2005 and looked at data gathered from 13,000 Americans by the National Survey of Families and Households. “In fact, no group of parents—married, single, step or even empty nest—reported significantly greater emotional well-being than people who never had children. It’s such a counterintuitive finding because we have these cultural beliefs that children are the key to happiness and a healthy life, and they’re not.” (read the whole article here)

so what is it about parenting that makes us both immeasurably ecstatic, but yet less happy than our childless counterparts. i think a lot of us (parents) would reject this study on an emotional level because we feel as though it calls our parenting and the love for our kids into question. on the other hand, i am inclined to agree. although i love my son beyond measure, parenting requires an immense amount of self-sacrifice. i am forever having to put my needs and wants on the back burner for my son. am i resentful? no. do i sometimes wish i didn’t have to always be last? hell yes.

in the old days, parents, specifically women, didn’t voice their needs. all of their time, money, and emotion was thrown into their children. women slaved over hot stoves, cleaned-up the house, catered to her husband, and buried her own needs and dreams. today, our focus is slightly shifting. our society is more open to mothers pursuing goals and dreams, but somehow it still has to play second to making sure their children are taken care of. and i guess that makes sense. once you decide to have a child, you take on a whole new set of responsibilities. you are now responsible not only for you life, but for theirs. it makes sense to have to put your child’s need ahead of your own, but damn if it doesn’t suck sometime.

i know you can’t always have it both ways, but why do we (women/parents) feel so guilty about putting ourselves first?

if study is correct and children are not the key to happiness, then what is?

i’m not sure, but i think the answer lies in loving yourself. if you do not love yourself and aren’t happy with yourself and your decisions, then you will not be a good wife/mother/partner/friend. nothing good can come of a poisoned tree. and no amount of happiness can come to you if you do not take some time for yourself & just love you!

Technorati Tags: parenting, happiness survey, motherhood

I’m reminded of my first crushthe wobble in my knees, first touchsummer love ice cream conenights shared with younights spent alonebutterflies, first lovesweaty palms embracing a first hugI’m moved to say in thought of youI can’t imagine living life without you

~Dwele “Without You”

(this song PERFECTLY describes the feeling i had in the summer of [...]]]>

I’m reminded of my first crush
the wobble in my knees, first touch
summer love ice cream cone
nights shared with you
nights spent alone
butterflies, first love
sweaty palms embracing a first hug
I’m moved to say in thought of you
I can’t imagine living life without you

~Dwele “Without You”

(this song PERFECTLY describes the feeling i had in the summer of 03 when we met. i couldn’t play this song enough. it still makes me giddy when i think of us & this song)

beloved and i have hit a wall.

the uncomfortable feeling of routine has washed over us. our conversations as of late have all consisted of the same things: i love yous, how are yous, how’s the baby?, i can’t wait to see you. silence. ummm. did you watch the game? silence. ummm. i miss you.

i can tell he’s getting worried. the other day he wondered aloud if we were gonna make it, if this is all there is in relation to our conversations.

i reminded him that talking is overrated.

i mean, we talk. we have deep conversations where we spill our deepest feelings, we write them down in letter upon letter, but really…does this happen to “normal” couples everyday? methinks not. i think most people don’t spend days or even 15 minutes at a time talking about their feelings. we are not new to each other. we have lived together for years, been together nearly 5, and we are to the point where we are just…familiar with everything. i tried to assure him, and myself, that life gets like this sometime. we can’t possibly hold super deep conversations every day. no one does that. we talk about our son, ourselves, work, writing, whatever. that’s normal. that is life.

i know all of this wonder & uncertainty comes from the fact that he isn’t here. i reminded him that we didn’t have long, heart-felt daily conversations when he was home. we mostly enjoyed just being WITH each other, and that is the thing we are missing right now. curling up on the couch, watching a movie, taking a walk, going to dinner, or playing video games. we are missing out on all of the non-verbal conversations we used to take for granted, and it is now worrying him. i try to assure him (and myself) things will snap back to normal when he comes home, but who can really be sure?

it’s finally here: a break, an extended siesta from the day to day work and struggles of teaching. i’ve been looking forward to this time since september (lol), and it’s FINALLY [...]]]>

(some of the books i have yet to read, but have owned for quite some time. i will try to get through these over break.)

it’s finally here: a break, an extended siesta from the day to day work and struggles of teaching. i’ve been looking forward to this time since september (lol), and it’s FINALLY here!

for the first time since i’ve ever had a break from anything, i don’t have a ticket in hand to go visit beloved. i’m broke & the weather sucks. hopefully we will conjure up a visit before i have to return back to work (crossing fingers). but the lack of travel plans feels very weird and foreign to me. i halfway don’t know what to do with myself right now.

(veggie lasagna with spiniach, mushrooms, red, yellow, and orange bell peppers, onions, and lots of cheese!)

yesterday, as i do lots of Sundays, i cooked. the stay at home mom in me likes to go on allrecipies.com to see what tasty things people are cooking up. yesterday i made a veggie lasagna & tricked my uber-picky two year old into eating more veggies than he’s had in a long while. in an attempt to return to the healthy eating that i exhibited this past summer, i wanted to make something meatless, and although it had lots of cheese (yum!) it was all made of skim milk, and i used whole wheat pasta. it came out quite tasty. the little one ate ALL his and kept trying to dip his fork in my plate. mission accomplished.

one thing i will do with myself over the break is read & write. all the hype surrounding my one page a day goal evaporated. my child got sick, i got sick, and my ideas stopped flowing. i will pick up my story again and hopefully make up for the week i lost. i also picked up the new issue of Poets & Writers, and FINALLY was able to get my hands on Bodega Dreams. i’m excited to read it. will give you my review, not that it matters, when i’m done.

so, what are your plans for your winter break–no matter how long or short?
& what are you reading right now?
give a sista some recommendations.

bless.

right now beloved & i need your prayers, well-wishes, positive thoughts, whispers to the ears of God, lit candles, and any anything else you can muster.

we are not in a good place right now.

i’m not going to hash out all of our intimate details, because some things are private, but we have been [...]]]>

right now beloved & i need your prayers, well-wishes, positive thoughts, whispers to the ears of God, lit candles, and any anything else you can muster.

we are not in a good place right now.

i’m not going to hash out all of our intimate details, because some things are private, but we have been arguing more than talking, and we haven’t done either in almost a week. this life is extremely difficult. having to have arguments, as all couples do, via the phone, is completely exhausting and frustrating. having to trust and love across thousands of miles is a test that many fail. the separation, and financial burden, and just the lack of our freedom is taking its toll, BUT i know we are SO much stronger than this & one day will look back on these days and know that because we made it through this, we can make it through anything.

ashe.

sometimes I sit and wonder how my life ended up like THIS. this meaning a solo wife & mommy, trying desperately to hold it all together…on my own (sorta). I wonder what God is trying to teach me by going through all of this. sometimes I wonder why I wasn’t more dedicated to my writing [...]]]>

sometimes I sit and wonder how my life ended up like THIS. this meaning a solo wife & mommy, trying desperately to hold it all together…on my own (sorta). I wonder what God is trying to teach me by going through all of this. sometimes I wonder why I wasn’t more dedicated to my writing when I was in the city of dreams. Why I let so many opportunities slip through my fingers. I wonder why I’m still not doing what my heart wants to do. I wonder will I ever be brave enough to just go for it.

I wonder and I wonder and I wonder some more.

When I’m alone with my thoughts I question how we get into the situations that are our lives. I try not to sit and feel sorry for myself, or wonder what could have been if I would have just turned left, and not right, because that’s useless. it’s all spilled milk and there’s no use in crying over it now, right?

When I get into a funk and start feeling all down for myself, usually, something or someone comes along and makes me smile. Lately, it has been my little one. He cracks me up with all of his 2-year-old bravado.

My baby is hilarious. He is starting to “read.” Every morning he runs to the car and starts calling out letters, while pointing to those on the back of the car (“E!” “A!”). Although he hasn’t quite matched up the right letter to the correct sound, it cracks me up. He is so happy to point & shout out letters, it makes me happy just to see him having so much fun. And that makes our commute just a bit more pleasant. I am no longer grumpy, or tired, or feeling down….

I am thankful

I am thankful to see the day break across the sky. Thankful I can pay for extra collect calls on holidays. Thankful for beloved’s sanity (and my own!). thankful for long weekends, and 44 hour rendezvous with my Mr., and cheesecake(!), and holding hands, and cooking dinner for my princes, and reading with my son, and everything I often overlook. I am thankful for the struggle and the lessons God is constantly teaching me, in spite of how much they sometimes hurt.

As the holiday season approaches…what are you guys MOST thankful for this year?

Bless.

the prisoner’s wife?

who really knows. we made it back safely after a week of visiting. it was WONDERFUL to see beloved, although the city we stayed in was a bore. he is almost in Canada, he’s so far away from the city! but it was great seeing/touching/kissing/holding him. he is doing well. he looks [...]]]>

the prisoner’s wife?

who really knows. we made it back safely after a week of visiting. it was WONDERFUL to see beloved, although the city we stayed in was a bore. he is almost in Canada, he’s so far away from the city! but it was great seeing/touching/kissing/holding him. he is doing well. he looks older now. perhaps that is due to the weight he has gained, but he is still sexy!

i haven’t posted in…forever. i don’t know where my head has been. i haven’t written any poems, any letters to beloved, any posts…in such a long time. the words all seem jumbled and foreign. beloved has been wondering when he will get a letter from me, but we talk on the phone almost daily, so i guess i just don’t have anything to write. nothing EXCITING is going on here. i am off for the summer. the little one & i are just roaming around the neighborhood, taking trips to the park or bookstore, almost daily. the only new thing is that i’ve started a new eating plan. i’m giving the Fat Smash Diet a shot. so for the last 7 days i haven’t eaten any meat, bread, or sugar. it’s not so bad, but i do want a cheeseburger LOL. what can i say, i do like meat! lol

this post is going no where….beloved has an immigration hearing tomorrow, don’t know why it’s happening so soon, but i guess we will find something out. wish him luck! hopefully he won’t be barred from this country for life…*sigh*

i am going to stop rambling now…i pray you all are well.

I rarely check my email anymore, but recently I received a note from a woman whose boyfriend is locked up (hello, if you’re reading). She wanted some advice. I wondered what profound bit of information I could offer to comfort and guide her? All of my years of education, and nearly two years of dealing [...]]]>

I rarely check my email anymore, but recently I received a note from a woman whose boyfriend is locked up (hello, if you’re reading). She wanted some advice. I wondered what profound bit of information I could offer to comfort and guide her? All of my years of education, and nearly two years of dealing with THIS, led me to one clichéd phrase: take it one day at a time.

Since this journey (and blog) began I have been so full of colliding emotions: doubt, love, blame, dedication, sadness, joy…each fighting for a seat on my train of thought. I have made it through all of this by sheer divine force. It is a wonder I haven’t gone (completely) crazy yet, but we women aren’t afforded the luxury to lose our minds, permanently.

I have my moments, fits of crying—always hushed—where I feel I can’t go on like this, trapped by the distance and loneness. But the alternative…isn’t even in question.

This weekend was the first time beloved and I actually spoke the gravity of the years we are facing out loud to each other.

Ten summers will pass before he is home
Our son will be just about to turn 13
I will be pushing 38
And the world
Will have changed so much

Everyday I question what I/he/we will look like in 10 years. Ten years from now, what will “us” even feel like?