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The Gift & The Curse

Today, something big happened. One of my essays was featured on Essence.com. ESSENCE!

Ok, so, it wasn’t in the magazine, a magazine that I’ve grown up reading and adoring, but it was close (at least to me), and I’ve been amped for about a week waiting for it to get posted.

And today it happened. My essay about raising my son alone while his father is incarcerated hit. This morning I checked the site and my heart nearly beat out of my chest (overacting, I know), and then…I read the comments.

*record scratch*

Did someone just call me pathetic?

Opening myself up on this blog is one thing. We’ve built sort of a public intimacy through our shared dialogue of blogs/comments/tweets. But putting my words on Essence.com and being vulnerable for all the world to see is something else entirely. I didn’t expect everyone to love it, but damn, I didn’t expect so much negativity.

Several comments were positive, but some (a lot?) questioned my parenting, my decision to love in spite of prison, and basically called me desperate. Before I could truly get upset (and there were times I felt like jumping through the computer to argue MY side), I thought about it. People judge what they don’t know or understand.

And so I relaxed and enjoyed the sheer pleasure of being published on a major magazine’s site (still. head.is.blown.).

When I stopped to think about it, the negative comments simply reaffirmed what I have been blogging about all these years. The stigma attached to the family of prisoners can be paralyzing, and quite frankly, unfair. This needs to be said. And I will continue to say it. With over 2 million people in prison and jails, I am not alone, but sometimes the silence is deafening.

I wonder how many people were scared of commenting because they are or have gone through the same thing and didn’t want to be called “pathetic”?

It is for those people that I continue to share my story.

It is for my son that I refuse to accept the idea that I should be ashamed of my life, our family and my choices.

And it is for myself that I will continue to be vulnerable and speak up, even when the easiest thing I can do is to just be quiet.

I will not apologize for my voice.

It is personal.

It is powerful.

And It is necessary. 

~~~

When was the last time you spoke up when it was easier to just be quiet? 

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February 2nd, 2010 | Category: a little self-promotion, life
  • barbie
    I looked at the comments about your article. You obviously struck a nerve with your essay. The topipc seems to be a timely one that many can relate to and that is all good writing needs to be. That is why the editors published what you had to say. Most people just don't realize that being judgemental is a very negative and useless exercise. May God bless you and your family.
  • yayasisterhood
    I admire your sense of commitment and fortrightness in sharing details of what I imagine is a painful subject. For that alone, I wish you the strength to endure. I pray that there is never a point in your life where you have to look back to the road not taken.

    Peace and blessings.
  • stesha
    People shouldn't judge what they don't know. And it's so easy to type words in a dark room...words you wouldn't speak in the light.

    Kudos to you, my friend. I hope to see your writing in Essence Magazine someday.

    Hugs and Mocha,
    Stesha
  • weeping_willow
    I have been reading your blog for several months now and have been very encouraged by your attitude and articulation. Forgive my shyness in not reaching out with a comment sooner...some of the comments following your article were so discouraging and infuriating to me that I couldn't hold it in anymore. I'm in a similar situation. My husband was incarcerated halfway through my pregnancy with our son, our first child. We're facing a long road. Earliest possible release is 16 years from now. My husband is a good man, too, and I love him very much. He has yet to hold our baby, who is now a toddler. They have met several times through glass and talk on the phone several times each week. My husband is halfway across the country from us, so we only get to see him a few times a year. I KNOW how hard it is to do what you are doing. It's encouraging to me to hear someone else who is making it work. So, from someone who understands: Keep up the good work, congratulations on getting published, and don't let those negative voices discourage you too much.
  • Congrats!!! and boos to the naysayers. It is very unfair when people make judgments like that. Many have no clue what it is like to have a committed relationship with a free person let along one in prison. This is your story. I personally think it is a beautiful one. You are doing what many people need to learn to do. That's honor your commitment. Regardless of how many people jumped on the negative bandwagon there are so many women you likely touched with your story.
  • gingersadler
    Thank you so much, for sharing your story. You are an inspriation :)
    My husband is in prison as well, we are two years down, with around 6 to go. He went in a month before our youngest was born.We have two kids together, I always tell my oldest to hold her head high and not listen to the negative people around her, b/c there are plenty. I'm glad you have the courage to speak up.
  • theprisonerswife
    Ginger,

    thank you for coming by & commenting (and for your kind words). It's crazy, this stigma that's attached. I'm glad you are teaching your daughter to hold her head up. I can only hope I can communicate the same thing to my son as he gets older. For some (like my students), having a parent in jail isn't anything new but in the neighborhood I live in (upper/middle class), I'm sure he'll be an anomaly. But I hope I can teach him to be proud of who HE is & how much we love him in spite of what others may think. so thank you...you inspire me as well!
    ps-if you ever need to talk/vent, feel free to email me. we gotta support each other.
  • Look at YOU, getting your work out there!!! Congratulations!! you're always such an inspiration Ms. B!! As for the commenters, I think what you're experiencing is the hardest thing to face for those of us who want to be vulnerable in our writing but you represent a lot of people. A LOT OF PEOPLE!! It's disturbing, this idea that human beings are disposable if flawed in any type of way. I've found that reading comments on larger publications is pointless because they tend to be rude and thoughtless. Anonymity makes monsters of mice. Keep pushing back and refuse to be silenced. Prison touches so many people's lives but you rarely hear the voice of the people who are on the 'other side of the wall' so I'm glad for what and who you represent. I don't even remember how I found your blog when you were TPW but yours is a compelling story and I appreciate you being brave enough to share and look forward to hearing more from you. To answer your question, I'm currently dealing with a simular situation involving a dear friend and though I want to speak, the legal issues/judgment etc demand silence from those of us trying to help our friend. It's very frustrating.
  • you go girl, im proud of u. congrats on the publication in essence magazine. keep doing u and be blessed along the way. big hugs.
  • losangelista
    I'm SOOOO proud of you for getting your work up there! ROCK ON!

    As for the comments, people say all sorts of rude and thoughtless things online and I know you've probably heard much of it before. You are making the decisions that are right for you and your family and I admire you for it. Just because someone you love is incarcerated that doesn't mean you stop loving them, and it sure doesn't mean they stop existing and get automatically kicked to the curb.
  • Thank you for sharing.
  • yolanda718
    Britni, thank you so much for sharing your story. Those keyboard Nazi's are a hell of a bunch. Your story is both riveting and necessary. Thank you for having the courage to put it out there.
  • WOW! Congrats on being published first of all! I completely understand what you mean and that is why I always urge my daughter not to go telling people at school because unfortunately there are MANY people that will judge you & the situation! It's really sad that people will judge you and think bad of you for trying to keep your family together, regardless of the circumstances, you know? I mean what about those wedding vows, seems like most people don't take those too serious anymore either! I'm glad you were able to stop and calm yourself down and not let those ignorant people get to you! You know you're doing the right thing for you & your son, so that's all that matters!
    Congrats again! I know you must still be walking on air!! :)
  • Ok, now I have to temporarily return from my social media sabbatical to comment on this one. Congratulations on your achievement! You've been working hard for this. The keyboard Nazis who have taken it upon themselves to sit in judgement do not have a clue. Brush that dirt off of your shoulder! How many of them have a child with a partner who may not be incarcerated but is nowhere near as involved with their child as beloved is with your son? How many have a child or children that did not come from a union as loving as yours? Maybe they ARE that absentee parent. As for those that question how your education fits your situation, please. It can easily happen to any one of us. As a Black woman you can never be sure your man will not end up being crushed by the justice system.
  • yayasisterhood
    What was the crime?

    How much longer will he be incacerated?

    Will you continue to wait?

    Did ke know he had a responsibility to your unborn child before the crime was committed?

    Given the circumstances that led to the crime, will he do the same thing again?

    Your story is riveting and you are courageous to tell it in such a public forum. I hold no judgment or opinions against you but I am curious about the circumstances. As you mention, you have two college degree.
  • theprisonerswife
    Yaya,

    thanks for commenting. i chose not to post specifics about the crime because i feel it's private. i will say though, no drugs were involved & no one was killed or maimed. He'll be home in 8 summers. And yes, the plan is continue to support him until he comes back home to us.

    I have to push back a little at your assumptions that having 2 degrees means that I "should have known better" but life sometimes throws you curveballs. we were together for 3 years before any of this, so throwing him aside merely because of his mistake wasn't really an option.
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