Being vulnerable has never been easy for me. My friends will tell you I’m the one that they expect to know the LEAST about simply because I’m pretty tight lipped. I’m definitely not a chatty Cathy. I don’t run around putting my business in the street, and if I have any sort of problem, I usually keep it to myself.
Although it’s nice not having to worry about hearing about myself from gossipy friends, keeping things to myself has a serious downside: nobody really knows me.
It has taken me years to share even the smallest tidbits of myself with those closest to me. I still keep the majority of my thoughts and feelings to myself. Even now, beloved and I don’t share everything. It scares me to be SO open, so raw, so bare. So still, almost seven years later, I hold back.
But why? Why am I so not forthcoming with my thoughts, feelings, and self? There are people in my life that don’t know about beloved. That assume he probably just left me, like so many other men. Why do I allow it? Why am I not being a more vocal advocate of families of prisoners? Why do I hide behind the screen, behind the alias, and not allow you to see the real me?
I’m afraid.
In the book, Be the Hero, Yvonne Dutra teaches people to become their own heroes by teaching them “life-enhancing formulas for change; ways to build intimacy and connection…” In the book, she writes,
“Many of us get stuck trying to live up to an image we believe will be acceptable to others. We fall into groups or cliques and learn to label ourselves and other people in ways that seem to define how we should act and what we should let people see…
We often feel so ashamed or embarrassed that we are afraid if anyone really knew us, they could never love or accept us” (read an excerpt)
Ponder that. My first reaction was to say, “I don’t feel embarrassed! I don’t care what people think about me!” But then reality set in. I do care. And it has been holding me back.
I used to lament that fact that “nobody really knew me,” but if I am to be real with myself, I haven’t given them the chance. I’ve been so caught up in living up to the tough, strong, sarcastic, cool girl image I’ve built for myself that I’ve rarely let my guard down and let people, even my family, see ME.
As I approach 30 I am rethinking, over thinking, and analyzing every inch of my life, and I’m looking to open myself up to the fullness of whatever life has to offer. I don’t want to look back when I’m 70 and think, “why didn’t I let myself be great?” I want to look back with no regrets, no shoulda, woulda coudas looming over my head, and be pleased at the life I’ve created for myself and the supportive groups of friends and family that REALLY know who I am.
It won’t be easy. It’s not hard to shed the tough-girl façade I’ve built up for nearly 30 years, but it’s necessary. I cannot continue to go through life functioning on relationships that only get thisclose to the real me.
If you really knew me…
You’d call me Brit
You’d know I’m funny as shit
You’d know I’m a music junkie
You’d know I’m afraid that I’m not good enough
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Are you afraid to be vulnerable?
If I really knew you, what would I know?
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