Recent Comments

Powered by Disqus
«  
  »

If You Really Knew Me

 

Being vulnerable has never been easy for me.  My friends will tell you I’m the one that they expect to know the LEAST about simply because I’m pretty tight lipped. I’m definitely not a chatty Cathy. I don’t run around putting my business in the street, and if I have any sort of problem, I usually keep it to myself.

Although it’s nice not having to worry about hearing about myself from gossipy friends, keeping things to myself has a serious downside: nobody really knows me. 

It has taken me years to share even the smallest tidbits of myself with those closest to me. I still keep the majority of my thoughts and feelings to myself. Even now, beloved and I don’t share everything. It scares me to be SO open, so raw, so bare. So still, almost seven years later, I hold back.

But why? Why am I so not forthcoming with my thoughts, feelings, and self? There are people in my life that don’t know about beloved. That assume he probably just left me, like so many other men. Why do I allow it? Why am I not being a more vocal advocate of families of prisoners? Why do I hide behind the screen, behind the alias, and not allow you to see the real me?

I’m afraid.

In the book, Be the Hero, Yvonne Dutra teaches people to become their own heroes by teaching them “life-enhancing formulas for change; ways to build intimacy and connection…” In the book, she writes,

“Many of us get stuck trying to live up to an image we believe will be acceptable to others. We fall into groups or cliques and learn to label ourselves and other people in ways that seem to define how we should act and what we should let people see…

We often feel so ashamed or embarrassed that we are afraid if anyone really knew us, they could never love or accept us” (read an excerpt) 

Ponder that. My first reaction was to say, “I don’t feel embarrassed! I don’t care what people think about me!” But then reality set in. I do care. And it has been holding me back.

I used to lament that fact that “nobody really knew me,” but if I am to be real with myself, I haven’t given them the chance. I’ve been so caught up in living up to the tough, strong, sarcastic, cool girl image I’ve built for myself that I’ve rarely let my guard down and let people, even my family, see ME.

As I approach 30 I am rethinking, over thinking, and analyzing every inch of my life, and I’m looking to open myself up to the fullness of whatever life has to offer. I don’t want to look back when I’m 70 and think, “why didn’t I let myself be great?” I want to look back with no regrets, no shoulda, woulda coudas looming over my head, and be pleased at the life I’ve created for myself and the supportive groups of friends and family that REALLY know who I am.

It won’t be easy. It’s not hard to shed the tough-girl façade I’ve built up for nearly 30 years, but it’s necessary. I cannot continue to go through life functioning on relationships that only get thisclose to the real me.

 

 

If you really knew me…

You’d call me Brit

You’d know I’m funny as shit

You’d know I’m a music junkie

You’d know I’m afraid that I’m not good enough

 

YouTube Preview Image

~~~

Are you afraid to be vulnerable?

If I really knew you, what would I know?

Related Posts with Thumbnails
Share and Enjoy:
  • Print
  • Digg
  • Sphinn
  • del.icio.us
  • Facebook
  • Mixx
  • Google Bookmarks
October 11th, 2009 | Category: life, reflection, self-discovery, turning 30
  • Nikita
    Aaaah another confirmation that I need to continue letting my real self shine through. When I read this, I felt like you were talking to/about me. That mask that I've become comfortable wearing can be so comfy though. I look and seem aloof, intelligent with smart wit. However, honestly, I am a clumsy, goofy big softy, who loves music, who voraciously reads books, who genuinely likes people, does a little arts and crafts , who is a bit country and loves simple things. I definitely get what you are saying cause that mask I wear is such a great protector of my easily bruised heart/ego that I let it take over my life stage and it effectively keeps folks at a distance. I think I put the mask on because after a while I soaked up all the judgment and criticism from folks who really did not appreciate who I am. I am becoming unhappy with the results of wearing the mask because of the confinement so everyday I aim to break a small piece of it off. I desire to feel the sunshine resting on my life like it did when I was a kid. Rest assured I and many others understand your plight and your steps toward living authentically. We are taking some of the same steps too.
  • Hello Brit,

    Great post! Vulnerability is a scary feeling. It's like that trust exercise where you fall backward, eyes closed and hope someone will catch you before you hit the floor. I can definitely relate to the "nobody really knows me" feeling. I am a social but also very intuitive person who does not like to be judged. As such, I compartmentalize pieces of myself and won't share things with potentially disapproving people. For me, vulnerability is letting it all hang out, being who I am, at all times, unapologetically. I have yet to reach that place but I feel it will be beautiful when I do get there.

    I find it commendable that you are not yet thirty and have such tremendous insight and self-awareness. "I don’t want to look back when I’m 70 and think, “why didn’t I let myself be great?” As a writer, you tend to bare your soul through words which leaves you feeling naked. You want people to read your innermost thoughts, feel you through your inkings. The hard part is you can control your pen but you can't control how that gift is received. You cannot be certain of the reactions. You just have to trust you have a gift and let it lead you and that means embracing the vulnerability. Write on sista!

    If you really knew me, you'd call me Gale.
  • Kat
    hi brit! i'm kat. this is my first time to your blog. this post is such a great reflection and i look forward to reading more!
  • theprisonerswife
    Hey Kat, welcome to my blog. I hope you stick around & share your comments and POV with us.

    thanks!
  • ericak
    Great post. I def feel like this. That's probably why I write fiction - so I can express things w/out having to address, or even figure out myself, what's me and what isn't. And what LN said is true: it's easier to express your feelings on a blog than to people you know. But you know what this reminded me of? I was once interviewing that R&B group Jagged Edge. 'Memba them? There are twins in the group who wrote most of the songs. I was road-tripping w/them, we were on their luxury tour bus late at night, talking, and I asked them if they'd ever sung to a girl. And one of the twins was like, "Noooo! NEVER!" Me: "Why not?" Him: "She might laugh at you!" Me: "But you write all these love songs, you sing them on stage..." And he said, "It's easier to say something romantic to 30,000 people than to just one person." And then like 1o minutes later, he said something kind of sensitive and the one other girl, a really pretty singer who was on the bus, giggled and he jumped up and said, "See, that's why niggas don't wanna be romantic!" LMAO!!!! I think some women are like this but I think MOST guys are this way.
  • theprisonerswife
    LOL@them NOT being able to sing to a SINGLE girl, but able to belt out "Let's Get Married" to thousands. Vulnerability is funny like that, isn't it?
  • ericak
    IKR? That's what I said! "You wrote a song called 'Let's Get Married!'" LOL. They were way funny and partying non-stop! I followed them for 3 days (planes, trains and automobiles!) and at the end of the trip, I thought I had developed an ulcer!
  • Brit,
    It's truly amazing that you shared this. I could tell that you loved music and that you're funny. I think you are an amazing writer and you've inspired me for so long. Even before I started commenting.
    If you really knew me you'd know I was funny as hell too, like could/would/should/might do stand-up funny; that I too feel 'not good enough' as a writer because I'm playing catch-up educationally after spending too many years exiled in a blue-collar job, that I love to travel and am counting down days until my daughter graduates high school next year so that I can go live abroad for a while,that the thing I miss most about my dad being deceased is getting letters from him in the mail.

    Okay, this felt like a confessional but it felt good to share. I'm glad to know you Brit and I am happy to see you pushing yourself to grow. I support you and LOVE your writing!! and you are not alone with the need to be a voice for prison reform/issues. My cousin, actually we grew uplike siblings, is incarcerated and it breaks my heart every day. Some of the indignities and expense in trying to keep him connected to his family enrages me but its hard to get people to fight this issue because of the shame involved with incarceration. More people than we could ever imagine deal with this issue. I'll stand with you on it though. Anyway, thanks again for sharing.

    Carolyn (gov't name) fam calls me, C.C.
  • Definitely an issue I have in my life. I want so much for my friends and family to be proud of my example that I don't want them to know about the times when I just feel like giving up. I know the want the best for me so I tend to pre-judge the situation before I share. Some things I just keep to myself in an effort to be "safe." But I know that behavior leads to secrets and then leads to potential problems. I'm learning to be me--scars and all...
  • This was very touching, I am guilty of this myself because I find it so easy to blog my deepest feelings to complete strangers but for people who know me I have built up this wall. Afraid that if they really knew me they wouldn't love me so much. That's because deep down I don't think the real me is lovable. I was teased growing up because I was a bookworm, I always felt misunderstood so I just began to suppress all the feelings in me because I did not want people's judgment. Only recently at 34 have I realized what a mistake it has been to keep people out. We need people to know who we really are to survive. It has surprised me to no end that when I finally began opening up there are so many like me and who can relate to my quirks and shortcomings. I may never be an completely open book but I going to let people see me beyond the facade of strength and realize who I really am.
  • model
    This is so incredible Brit.


    I support you.
    I Love You.
    I think your awesome.

    Warmly,

    ~Renina
blog comments powered by Disqus