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The Gift & The Curse

Today, something big happened. One of my essays was featured on Essence.com. ESSENCE!

Ok, so, it wasn’t in the magazine, a magazine that I’ve grown up reading and adoring, but it was close (at least to me), and I’ve been amped for about a week waiting for it to get posted.

And today it happened. My essay about raising my son alone while his father is incarcerated hit. This morning I checked the site and my heart nearly beat out of my chest (overacting, I know), and then…I read the comments.

*record scratch*

Did someone just call me pathetic?

Opening myself up on this blog is one thing. We’ve built sort of a public intimacy through our shared dialogue of blogs/comments/tweets. But putting my words on Essence.com and being vulnerable for all the world to see is something else entirely. I didn’t expect everyone to love it, but damn, I didn’t expect so much negativity.

Several comments were positive, but some (a lot?) questioned my parenting, my decision to love in spite of prison, and basically called me desperate. Before I could truly get upset (and there were times I felt like jumping through the computer to argue MY side), I thought about it. People judge what they don’t know or understand.

And so I relaxed and enjoyed the sheer pleasure of being published on a major magazine’s site (still. head.is.blown.).

When I stopped to think about it, the negative comments simply reaffirmed what I have been blogging about all these years. The stigma attached to the family of prisoners can be paralyzing, and quite frankly, unfair. This needs to be said. And I will continue to say it. With over 2 million people in prison and jails, I am not alone, but sometimes the silence is deafening.

I wonder how many people were scared of commenting because they are or have gone through the same thing and didn’t want to be called “pathetic”?

It is for those people that I continue to share my story.

It is for my son that I refuse to accept the idea that I should be ashamed of my life, our family and my choices.

And it is for myself that I will continue to be vulnerable and speak up, even when the easiest thing I can do is to just be quiet.

I will not apologize for my voice.

It is personal.

It is powerful.

And It is necessary. 

~~~

When was the last time you spoke up when it was easier to just be quiet? 

welcome to the good life

 

Saturday I caught a glimpse of the good life.

After the kid’s gymnastics class, my mother and I went to look at a house. Not a house we were intending to buy, but a house that’s being rehabbed by my former boss (and my mom’s current boss), the principal of the school where I previously taught.

Although the house was cool, it still needed quite a bit of work. But that wasn’t the best part. After we saw the house, the principal invited us over to her place for a drink. As we drove through Windsor Hills, an affluent/upper-middle class Black neighborhood adjacent to Baldwin Hills, I took in the view.

Many times, while I was growing up in South-Central, I would dream about living in that area. The houses were large, the yards sprawling and green, and the neighbors still looked liked me, but had more money. Even though I’ve been out of “the hood” for many years now, a part of me still would love to live in “Black Beverly Hills.”

The principal’s house is AMAZING. Marble floors, steam showers, a custom kitchen, a pool with a waterfall Jacuzzi. My breath literally caught in my throat. It. Was. Beautiful. All while we were there I could picture myself living in a house like that. Having enough space to entertain, my son having enough space to run and play, and just having a place to LIVE, truly live and have a wonderful life.

The principal works hard. Not only has she been with the district for over 30 years, she owns and manages property, she’s a dental hygienist, and about a million other things. I need to sit and take lessons, because this sista is the QUEEN of lucrative side-hustles!  But she has created the life that she wants and it reaffirmed in me that in order to have the life that I want, I have to go out and work for it. No one else is going to go out to grab it for me.

This year is all about growth. Not just because I’m turning 30, but also because I don’t want to waste any more time spinning my wheels. I don’t want to look back on another year and think it was wasted, or that I didn’t move closer to my goals. So I am energized. I know what I want, and I know that only I can get myself there.

This feeling of…being in control of your own shit is scary. But it’s also very liberating. At the end of the year, I pray I will look back and be happy at how far I’ve come.

Ashe.

~~~

Where do you want to be at the end of 2010?

Have you caught a glimpse of the life you want?

and the winner is….

congrats to the winners of my FIRST book Giveaway! watch the vid to see if you won!! 

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Too lazy Didn’t want to watch the vid ? Ok, the winners are:

  1. Maryann
  2. Onika Pascal
  3. LoveBabz
  4. SistaGP
  5. Laila

Congrats Ladies!!! 

peace.

Introducing the 30 in ‘10 List

 

I've got my eye on 30!

 

This year I’ll be turning 30 *cue dramatic music* and in honor of this depressing momentous occasion, I wanted to do something big. Something so fabulous it would make this the best birthday in the history of birthdays! Ok, so maybe not, but I wanted to make my 30th year a year to remember. Enter, the “30 in ‘10 List” my own personal bucket list that I’d like to accomplish before I tumble headfirst into complete “thirtysomethinghood.” 

I could have just written a post about the list, but I’ve been channeling my inner NerdyBlackGirl, so I made a short video about it. I hope you like it & stick around and take this journey with me.

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Over the course of the year I will blogging, tweeting, and making you sick with all the talk about the things on my list. I need y’all to hold me accountable, so please send me tweets asking “hey, did you go surfing yet?” so I can’t flake out (which I’m prone to do, but whatever. positive thoughts!). 

So bring on the list you say? (umm, didn’t you watch the video?). 

The 30 in ’10 List

  1. Get a passport
  2. Travel outside of the USA
  3. Finish my novel
  4. Go skydiving (on my Birthday!)
  5. Get a professional massage
  6. Lose (at least) 35lbs
  7. Take a dance class
  8. See a Broadway show, on Broadway in NYC!
  9.  Eat breakfast, everyday
  10. Blog twice weekly
  11. Start the Haute Lit Website (already bought the domain!)
  12. Dress like a grown-up
  13. Get a professional facial
  14. Go hiking
  15. Eat veggies every day
  16. Save $5000
  17. Publish another poem in a lit journal
  18. Reconnect with friends & family
  19. Exercise at least 3 days a week
  20. Pay off credit cards (already started)
  21. Take a surfing class (surfdiva here i come!)
  22. Volunteer more
  23. Cook More (eat less fast food)
  24. Get another tattoo (Sankofa)
  25. Take professional pictures for my 30th bday
  26. Take a cooking class
  27. Find a good sports bra (this could take all year)
  28. Take better care of my skin & hair
  29. Find a side hustle
  30. Have more fun!!

I am looking forward to turning 30. My 20s were cool, I accomplished a lot: loved, lived, and have a boatload of student loans to show for it, but truth be told, I am looking forward to even more adventures (grown-woman style) in the years to come. 30 is almost here and cannot wait! 

~~

What’s on your bucket list?

When you turned 20/30/40/50+ did you do anything special? 

What is the ONE thing you reeeeeaaaaaly want to do this year?

HAUTE LIT: Jacqueline Luckett dishes about her new novel & following your dreams (+ Giveaway!!)

In the new novel, SEARCHING FOR TINA TURNER, debut novelist Jacqueline E. Luckett weaves an entertaining tale of Lena Spencer, a woman who has it all except the one thing she really wants: happiness.

On the surface, Lena Spencer has the perfect life: a successful husband, two wonderful children, and an expensive house in an exclusive Oakland neighborhood. She wants for noth

ing, has the world at her fingertips, but is woefully depressed. Many days, Lena can’t even seem to drag herself out of her pajamas, the weight of her unhappiness too heavy to bear. The children she once doted upon are now cranky and selfish, her husband, who once made her feel sexy and alive, is emotionally distant. After years of putting herself last and giving up on her dreams, Lena can’t seem to recognize herself anymore. Somewhere along the line, all of the things that inhabit her life just aren’t good enough anymore, and she realizes she wants herself back. Faced with an ultimatum by her husband: choose their “perfect” life or leave, Lena decides to give it all up and find herself.

I recently had the pleasure of chatting with Ms. Luckett about her book, her decision to follow her dreams, and her wish for all women.

Britni Danielle: Your novel, SEARCHING FOR TINA TURNER, takes readers on an entertaining journey through the life of Lena Spencer. We see her have it all, fall apart, and try to put it back together. The story is at once very familiar (because many can relate), but also so refreshing. How did you come up with the idea of this novel?

Jacqueline Luckett: In 2003, my spouse and I divorced after twenty years of marriage. Coincidentally, several other women I knew were also considering or going through divorce at the same time. We were all feeling the same emotions: betrayal of the lives we believed would last until death do us part, confusion, and varying degrees of depression; but, we were also trying to move forward with our lives. I wondered how women coped with life after a long-term marriage and what came next. Though, at the time, I was working on a collection of short stories, my curiosity led me to the novel.

BD:  The main character, Lena Spencer, is a woman who needs change. Even though it seems everything and everyone is against her, she reaches out and grabs what she so desperately needs. Reading your bio, it seems like you, too, have embraced change and decided to follow your dreams of writing. Did you draw inspiration for Lena from your own life?

JL: As I was going through my divorce, one of my writer friends suggested that I journal all the emotions I was experiencing so that I could give them, one day, to future characters. I kept track, but the emotions were raw and sometimes so self-critical that, even today, I can’t look at those entries. Those feelings of loss and doubt created Lena about a year later, when it was easier to talk about the effects of divorce.

Lena imitated me J, and as I became stronger, so did she. They way we arrived at our strength was different. Both Lena and I felt the sting of divorce and shifting dreams. We both faced change, and, in that respect, Lena drew inspiration from me. Change is hard for most of us, especially as we mature. We become used to life being the way it is. When an event as distressing as divorce forces us in another direction, it’s important, especially for women whose lives have been so focused on family, to embrace, not fight it.

Win A Copy Of SEARCHING FOR TINA TURNER!!

BD: Why did you decide to use Tina Turner as Lena’s muse for change?

JL: Tina Turner is a wonderful, vital woman. I have great respect for her, and I hope she regards the novel as a tribute to her triumphs and accomplishments.

Truthfully, I don’t remember now if it was the movie (“What’s Love Got to Do with It?”), a TV interview, or reports of her final concerts that triggered the idea of Tina Turner as role model—but the depth of what she had done, impressed me and something clicked. Once I read her book, I Tina, I was even more amazed. In her forties, Tina Turner left her marriage with her name, her talent and the conviction that she could make it on her own. I became obsessed with the idea of that strength and how it could inspire a character—without the abuse—on the verge of change. Initially, I wanted to explore surviving divorce, but with each new draft, universal themes surfaced: reinvention, new beginnings, and the challenge of remaining true to self.

BD: Your debut novel, SEARCHING FOR TINA TURNER, reminded me of some of Terri McMillian’s early work. Who are your influences?

JL: Thanks for the compliment. Ms. McMillan creates characters that, as a reader, we believe in and want to stay with, even after the book has ended. 

I’m an avid reader. I don’t like to put myself into a “reading box.” I read murder mysteries and detective novels (Valerie Wesley Wilson, Barbara Neely, Patricia Cornwell). Then I might switch around all kinds of fiction (Bebe Moore Campbell or Dianne McKinney Whetstone, Toni Morrison, Jhumpa Lahiri, Junot Diaz, Jeffery Eugenides, Julia Alvarez, ZZ Packer, Lalita Tademy, John Edgar Wideman)—and almost any book in between. Lately, I’ve taken to memoir (Infidel by Ayaan Hirsi Ali, Space Between the Stars by Deborah Santana, Where Did You Sleep Last Night? by Danzy Senna) because it’s so different from fiction.

I try to take something away from each novel or short story that I read. Before I started writing in earnest, I read solely for pleasure—what happened, where, why and to whom. I appreciated an author’s skill. In some ways, the focus of my reading has shifted. Oh, don’t get me wrong—I still love a good, well-written story. Now, I read for both pleasure and to study the craft of writing. I reread paragraphs and sentences to understand how an author successfully presented an idea, a place, or a character. Style, sentence formation, character development and many other aspects of a well-written book affect me. There’s no one author who has influenced me. I get something from every book I read.

BD: In the acknowledgements, you write, “To every woman: this is what you must do—Go.” Why did you decide to include this powerful charge to all women?

JL: I love that you read the acknowledgements. I always read every word in a book, from the title page and the copyright straight through to the last page.

Actually, I deleted that line in the final edit. I decided to let the novel send the message. My intention was to charge women to take their fate into their own hands and mold it into a life they love—whether they’re married or not. Sometimes as wives and mothers, women can get lost in taking care of family and forget to care for themselves. That’s what happened to Lena; she would have loved to have kept her family together, stayed married and pursued her photography, but fate had other plans for her.

BD: What lessons do you want readers to take away from SEARCHING FOR TINA TURNER?

JL: As Lena goes through her struggles, her journey offers these lessons for all of us:

it’s okay to be afraid, as long as we don’t let the fear keep us from doing what we want to do; change challenges us to reinvent ourselves; and, new beginnings are possible for all of us.

BD: You started, The Finish Party, with a group of prominent female writers. What prompted you to form a writing group and how have they helped you with your writing?

JL: Writing is a solitary venture. Oh, I suppose some might argue that a writer is not really alone because he/she is surrounded by all kinds of characters. But the truth is that the writer lives a large part of her day alone and in someone else’s world. For me, contact with other writers and the ability to discuss my work was absolutely necessary. 

Feedback, as well as another “eye,” is important. In our Finish Party meetings, we workshop pages, chapters, and entire novels. I’m fortunate to be part of such a group of talented writers who understand what it takes to make a story work. It’s nice, too, to be able to talk about writing and your characters—what they’re doing and why, or to talk about ways of putting a story together that non-writers might not find interesting.

BD:  There is a lot of information out there about the uncertainty of the publishing industry. As a new novelist, what kind of advice would you give to a still looking to get published. 

JL: I jumped for joy the first time I printed out my manuscript. Once I settled down, I had to examine my motives for writing: money, to make my mark on the world, or simply for the sake of doing what I loved. In today’s market, a writer has to answer the same question: why am I doing this? 

Writing for money requires a realistic attitude because the odds are that, even if a writer finds an agent and a publisher, the advance may be small—this is especially true for a first timer (unless you’re a celebrity or other high-profile person). You must love what you’re doing and write from passion and love of story. You can’t mull over over ripping up pages and starting all over again. You have to love spending hours revising, getting one sentence right, or finding the perfect adjective.

Try to get your short stories or a novel excerpt published anywhere you can: literary magazines, hardcopy or online. Do your research and submit to publications that match your style. Getting your work published in this way demonstrates your writing skills and exposes you to a large readership. There are agents and editors who read literary publications and magazines for the specific purpose of discovering new talent. 

When possible, attend conferences and workshops where agents are present. Many conferences offer meetings with agents in a style similar to “speed dating.” Present to agents who represent work similar to your own. Keep your story premise brief and ask the agents for feedback—not on your story but on the premise—to gauge if you’re on the right track.

Don’t give up. Keep writing, hone your skills and once your manuscript is the best that it can be, research agents, know what they’re looking for and submit, submit, submit.

BD: Ms. Luckett thanks so much for agreeing to chat with me. I wish you much success!

 ~~~

Dying to read, SEARCHING FOR TINA TURNER? Win a free copy of Jacqueline Luckett’s new novel right here! 

To Enter:

Leave a comment about who or what inspires you.

Tweet about the contest (include a link to this post)

Include your email address in the comment so you can be contacted if you win.

Five winners will be chosen at random and must live within the US or Canada (and sorry, no PO Box addys!)

All entries must be made by Thursday, Jan 28, 2010 by 11:59pm PST.

Winners will be announced on Friday, Jan. 29, 2010.

Good Luck! 

Is This Thing On?

I saw a rainbow yesterday...it made me smile.

It’s crazy. I’ve been plugging away at my goals for 2010 eating healthier, working out more, and yet I’ve been neglecting my blog. Hell, I’ve been neglecting my writing.

What’s wrong with me?

Words used to flow so easily. Post ideas would spring up at a moment’s notice but lately, nada. Zip. Zielch. Zero. I’d like to blame it on the job. I’d like to say that I’m tapped out after yelling at teaching kids all day, but is it really that? Who knows. I’m in some sort of a writing funk, but really, the only way out of it is to write…so I’m going to do just that.

I hope y’all are still riding with me. Next week some exciting things are on the horizion. On Monday I’ll be sharing my Q&A with author, Jacqueline Luckett, author of the new novel, Searching for Tine Turner. Also, you can WIN her book for FREE (you know you like free stuff)!! So stick with me a little longer. I will also FINALLY share my “30 in ‘10″ list, which I halfway tried to turn into a video, but it ain’t working. So you’ll just have to READ all about it.

I do appreciate y’all for reading though (even the lurkers who never say hi!). Drop a comment, say hello, share a link.

Happy Weekend!

A Vision in Action

 

30 will be HAUTE!

Happy New Year!

2010 is here and I am so blessed to have made it this far. Everyone is SO excited about the new year, new decade, and I’m definitely one of them. 

In honor of the new year, I mentioned that I was going to create a Vision Board to help me focus on all of the things I want to accomplish this year. Well, it’s MADE. I finally finished it on Sunday night, and I’m quite pleased. It’s hanging on my wall in my bedroom and it’s good to see it daily. It’s been a good reminder & I hope it continues to be. 

Instead of just posting pictures of the board, I did a video using my new Flip Camera. It takes your through a tour of my board & it’s sections. I hope you enjoy exploring my board & hearing me ramble on LOL. 

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~

How are your vision boards coming along?

Have you set any goals for the new year?

Be sure to follow the #VisionBoardCrew tweets on twitter for updates

bless.

Can You Visualize It?

The new year is quickly upon us and as usual, it’s a time when most turn to reflecting on the past and planning for the future. Resolutions are made, gym memberships are purchased, and we set off to change our lives. However, in a matter of weeks most of us get overwhelmed, sidetracked, or just lose steam. Before we know it, we end up right back where we started. Planning to do better, and pissed at ourselves that it hasn’t happened yet. 

Well, the negative self-talk and blame game is over

In 2010 we will get it right! (or keep trying to!)

2010 is not only exciting because it’s a new decade, but it’s personally exciting because I’ll be turning 30. In the new few days I’m going to create a list of 30 things (my “30 in ‘10″ List) that I want to accomplish during the year. Some goals will be loafty (finishing my novel), some will just be things I haven’t experienced yet (getting a professional massage & facial), but they ALL will get done between January & December 2010. Daunting? Possibly. But to help me stay on track I’m going to create a Vision Board

from magazine junkie to Vision Board queen!

 

Vision Boards are collages of images that represent what you’d like to see happen in your life. Want to quit your job and write a novel? Put it on the board. Want to find a loving relationship and have children? Put it on the board. Want to travel the world? Put it on the board! Vision Boards operate hand in hand with the “Law of Attraction” (putting the right kind of energy out to attract what you want) & helps people stay focused on what they want to accomplish. Vision Boards aren’t complicated. All you need are some images (magazines or photos from the ‘net), glue, and a poster board. I posed the question on twitter of who’d like to join me in creating a Vision Board for the new year and I’ve gotten a great response.

In 2010 we will name it, visualize it, and get it done!

Won’t you join me??

UPDATED!!

The response on twitter to the #VisionBoardCrew has been amazing! So many people have chimed in to say they are down, that it’s hard to keep track. If you are going to create a Vision Board & have joined the #VisionBoardCrew, be sure to drop your link to your post so we can keep track of your Vision Board updates!

Happy Holidays!

OhChristmasTree

Oh christmas tree, oh christmas tree...you really ARE too big for my living room, but you're cute anyway!

I pray your holiday was as wonderful as mine. I began my day with the munchkin, waking up and opening his presents. He told me, “See mommy, I wasn’t on the naughty list! Santa brought my presents anyway!”

I didn’t give him a WHOLE lot of thing because he has way too many toys already, but he was happy. Job Done! 

Later in the afternoon we went to my grandma’s house & had dinner with the family. Lots of food & people. I was stuffed (ate more than I did on Thanksgiving!). Fun was had (except for the fact my 5 year old cousin is ANNOYING! He kept running to me to “tattle” on my child for every little thing, and even some he made up!). That little boy single-handedly makes me feel blessed to only have ONE child. *Whew* but my son had fun playing with him and was out before we hit the freeway home! 

At my grandma’s, we watched the Lakers (lose, but it’s ok. We’ll get another ring!) and I saw the funniest commercial. I just HAD to share y’all! 

 

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(yes folks, that IS Krs-One & Lupe on the Vocals!) 

“Dunking on a reindeer, dunking on a reindeer…”

Enjoy the rest of your holiday!

bless.

This Is Why I Try So Hard

4 year olds + iPhoto=Pure Comedy!

4 year olds + iPhoto=Pure Comedy!

 

questions come to mind
what’s for dinner, will we survive
will tomorrow be like this?

who cares. all i need is you
on the other side of the bed, giggling
tell me another story mommy

when it all falls down
i know you will never judge
never care if a check bounced
or if it took me all day to cook this

when it all falls down
all I need is your laugh
reminding me why I keep trying

 

(c) me. 2009

read. savor. repeat. 

~~

haven’t posted a poem in a while. wrote this earlier this month & it’s been in my email inbox ever since. sometimes it’s good to remind yourself why you try so hard. we all have our reasons, he’s mine. 

bless.

~~

what keeps you going?

why do YOU try so hard?

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