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Have you ever met someone’s whose spirit just radiated with such positivity that you couldn’t help but feel better when you were in their presence? Well that’s how I felt when I first encountered Ananda Leeke. We met when she began visiting my blog and leaving the most wonderful (and mood-lifting) comments nearly 4 years ago. At BlogHer 2009, I had the pleasure of meeting offline and basking in her glow.
Ananda has a calming spirit. She evokes peace, centeredness and a profound sense of spirituality. This is evidenced by her work as a yogi and promoter of sisterhood. But don’t let the calm exterior fool you, Ananda is a hustler. She is the author of two books, Love’s Troubadours and That Which Awakens Me, yoga teacher, radio host, social media expert, and lawyer. She is a force of nature and a woman you need to know.
Recently, I had the pleasure to speak with Ananda about her books, her creative spirit, and how she’s managed to carve out the life she wants on her own terms.
Britni Danielle: Ananda, you’re a writer, yoga teacher, radio host, and self-described “innerpreneur.” What motivates you to do all that you do?
Anada Leeke: Spirit motivates me to share my gifts.
BD: Speaking of being motivated, what made you decide that you no longer wanted to practice law & wanted to start following your creative dreams?
AL: I still use my legal background in running my own business. The lawyer in me never disappears.
I started pursuing my creative dreams in 1992 as a way to overcome stress from taking the bar exam.
BD: Your first novel, Love’s Troubadours, is about a woman who has to look within to find the love and life she so desperately wants. Where did the idea for the book come from?
AL: The idea came from my own experiences and the experiences of others.
BD: The protagonist, Belle Violette Francois aka Karma, isn’t the average sista we usually meet in novels. She’s a museum curator, a jazz lover, and a very creative soul. She reveals herself through her journal entries and we see her progression as the books moves forward. In some ways, I think she embodies your creative spirit. What inspired you to create Karma’s character? Did you pull from your own life or other women that you know?
AL: My life experiences and the life experiences of others inspired me to write the novel. I used the experiences of various women and men.
BD: What do you want people to take away from reading Love’s Troubadours?
AL: I want people to see the many ways women and men of African, Asian, and Latino descent live and love. We are diverse. We are complex. Our life experiences are rich and juicy! They are universal. Everyone can learn from us.
BD: Ananda, not only are you an author, but you have used Social Media to create quite a movement. What made you want to get into that arena?
AL: I started using a blog in 2005 at the request of my book editor Wayne P. Henry. He urged me to use the blog to overcome writer’s block. When I released Love’s Troubadours, I used Myspace and YouTube to market the book. After joining the Black Author Showcase social networking site (http://blackauthors.ning.com), I learned about Internet radio and other tools.
My marketing strategies forced me to learn more about social media. That’s why I attend social media conferences such as Blogging While Brown, BlogHer, Blogalicious, She’s Geeky, and Latinos in Social Media.
BD: Speaking of Social Media, as a writer, how has it helped and influenced your creative work?
AL: Social media has allowed me to connect with people I may not get to meet in person. Their presence in my online and offline life have helped me grow as a creative person.
BD: Your newest book, That Which Awakens Me, is a memoir that explores your transition from lawyer to writer/teacher. Why did you decide to share your experiences with others? What do you want them to take away from your life?
AL: My memoir was inspired by my mother’s request to document my creative life. I also wanted to give myself the gift of looking at my life and the choices I have made to become a creative person. I hope my readers receive what they need from my book.
BD: You decided to self-publish both Love’s Troubadours and That Which Awakens Me, what made you decide to go that route and what kind of advice would you give to aspiring writers thinking of doing the same
AL: I self-published my books because I wanted full control of my creativity.
My advice to writers is to do their research on self-publishing. Read magazines, articles, blogs, and books about the process. Talk to the other authors. Join sites like www.sherwrites.com for women writers and http://blackauthors.ning.com for Black authors to obtain support. Seek out writing workshops at local libraries, colleges, and bookstores for information. Look for local writing groups through www.meetup.com. Use a team approach in writing and publishing your book. You cannot do it by yourself. Ask for help. I use the support of a life coach, public relations coach, book editor, attorney, copy editors, and focus groups who read my drafts as I write them.
BD: Ananda, you have self-published two books, run a successful online radio show, and have built a vast social media network. What kind of advice can you give to someone who wants to follow in your creative footsteps and carve out some space for themselves?
AL: The creative process is a journey for me that starts fro
m the inside. So I encourage people to check in with Spirit for guidance and direction. Ask for help. Do your research. Take good care of yourself. Be open to learning from everyone and everything. Be grateful. Learn to forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself too.
~~
fam,
how do you balance the life you want with the life you have?
do you ever think about giving it all up to follow your dreams?
what inspires YOU?
First: A little self-promotion.
I’m excited about my very first article, “Carry On Tradition” on CLUTCH MAGAZINE. The piece was inspired by my rereading of Joan Morgan’s When Chickenheads Come Home to Roost and how I missed reading books by young black women that spoke to our complexities. Please read it & comment on their site. Show them that intelligent and well-thought-out articles (that don’t deal with gossip or fashion) are worth being published on mainstream sites. Thanks!
~~
 her side-eye is EPIC! her expression says: "we don't believe you, you need more people!"
Today, I went back to work. We didn’t have students but instead had a day full of meetings and trainings. The day was very low key (read: boring), fairly informational, and was going along smoothly until it became PAINFULLY clear, that God was testing/teaching me.
One of my coworkers is annoying. He is one of those dudes who has to fill up any room with the sound of his own voice. He’s arrogant. I never talked to him too much last year because it was clear that he only liked to hear himself speak. So I stayed down on my end of the hallway, while he pontificated up and down his.
But today, he and I were seated at adjourning tables and I could no longer avoid his brand of crazy.
Being the person that I am, I am always in the company of men, mixing it up, talking about sports, being sarcastic. The usual. Mr. Arrogant was wearing a “The Mack” t-shirt, so my other coworker and I were cracking ourselves up with different quotes from the movie. Mr. Arrogant sits down while I’m talking to my other coworker and he started to get a bit greasy.
I ask Mr. Arrogant if he was a fan of the movie or if he was just wearing the shirt. He responds, “What you know about that?”
I roll my eyes (playfully), and let him know I’ve been entertaining myself with quotes all day. Cool, that went well. He goes on to say he got the shirt in Harlem last year and that he just had to get it when he saw it. Ok. Fine.
I made the mistake to engage him further, be nice, ask about his trip and where he stayed. He mentioned staying in Lower Manhattan, “the uppity part,” he says. I add that that real uppity part of NYC is the Upper East Side, but he argues back (like I didn’t live there for years). Then he says…
“Year two? Year two people talking now?”
I had to cut my eyes at him. Had to stop myself from turning into a stereotypical, neck-poppin, around-the-way-girl (I was at work, after all). I was close, though. I let his little snide remark, about it only being my second year at the school, slide and kept talking with my other coworker.
A few minutes later he starts talking loudly about year two people being too comfortable. He keeps on about securing the hallway and covering my class. He says something to the effect that he’s had to put my kids in check (umm, not when I’ve been there) and basically insinuates that he knows more than me. I even let THAT go (I’m not into workplace drama).
He then gets on the phone with a woman, and starts yappin about women saying no when they mean yes. He tells her, “you sure? You women know you say things you don’t mean. You be saying no when you mean yes.”
Tired mack aside, that sounded like rape to me. Any one who negates your boundaries doesn’t care about you and only wants to push their own agenda.
Mr. Arrogant turns to look at me and smiles. I guess he was hoping for some sort of cosign (was he serious?). Now, I could have let it go. I could have kept working on my laptop, but instead I said, “that sounds like rape to me.”
He gets silent. Goes back to rappin with the girl on the phone. And soon mumbles something again about year two people getting too comfortable.
I ask him, “I am supposed to feel uncomfortable?”
He smiles it off, and keeps talking loud and saying nothing.
My issue was not only what he said, but also the fact that this man is a teacher. Is he passing this line of thinking onto his male students? How he acted today was how I’ve seen him act toward students in the past. He fancies himself too cool, too smart, all knowing. My students have told me that he clowns them. He has also said lots of inappropriate things to other teachers (i.e. he teaches a “real” class & some of us don’t). Yet no one seems to want to rock the boat and call him on it.
I was too through.
Although I was very, very annoyed by him, I learned something about myself this past year. I am becoming bolder about confronting ignorance and SPEAKING up against it.
Normally I would have just let him keep spewing his shit without calling him on it because I don’t like drama. But why should I sit there feeling uncomfortable while he revels in his big ego? Why should I signal to him with my silence that’s it’s ok to disrespect me as a professional AND as a woman?
Nah, I’m not having it.
Speaking up is not always easy. It damn sure isn’t always comfortable, but I didn’t walk away from him fuming and wishing I should have said something. Furthermore, I’m pretty sure he will think twice before popping his shit my way again because he has been warned. I am not 14 and will not be bullied with his attitude and arrogance.
This year, and especially these past few months have continually shown me the importance of claiming my own voice. I’m not sure that had this been a year ago, pre-therapy, pre-30 –year-old reflection, I would have said anything. I’m glad I’m growing and becoming GROWN.
You will not walk on me.
And it feels GOOD.
~~
Fam,
when was the last time you spoke up, even if it made you uncofortable?
did i deal with Mr. Arrogant properly? or should i have just let it slide?
how do you deal with folks who only want to hear their own voice?
Last Friday I was feeling very alone. Sure, I have my son and my family, but for the first time in a while I felt….lonely.
You’d think I was up close and personal with loneliness, but we ain’t really been that cool. Even though Beloved’s been gone nearly five years now, and I’ve never sought the company of another man, I’ve never really felt lonely. Perhaps I blocked out what I was missing: having someone who listens to me and cares about me and who is present. Whatever the case, loneliness came down hard and made me feel like I needed to be held.
Feeling some type of way, I sent Brooklyn Boy a text. Big mistake. We ended up getting into a debate (ok, an argument & yes, via text message. sigh) about our possible meet-up. We have still been dancing around whether or not we should hang out given the situation. There is no denying that we dig each other, always have. The issue is that he is afraid of what hanging out might mean. He’s afraid that we’ll be forced to answer the “what’s next” question sooner rather than later, and when both of us are somewhat entangled emotionally. For me, I just want to chill. I’ve chosen not to focus on the “what ifs” and just focus on hanging out with a friend I’ve known since I was 19.
Our conversation on Friday, and subsequently Saturday, just didn’t seem to make much sense. I felt like I was banging my head against the wall and could not, for the life of me, understand his point. We usually communicate fairly well, but shit just wasn’t going right, so I gave up.
I took to twitter (as usual) and tweeted something quite emo. My twitter twin (we share a bday), @JameyHatley, told me that Mercury was going into retrograde and that we (geminis) are especially vulnerable to its effects. I know what you’re thinking (or maybe it was just me?) what does this have to do with anything, but I started to do a bit of research and it made sense.
A few times a year the planet Mercury appears to travel backward (retrograde) and during that time communication can sometimes go awry.
The key issue here is one of focus. Mercury’s retro phase tends to bring unforeseen changes and blockages, but the aggravation and frustration that many of us experience during these periods is often due to our own inability to roll with the punches. Is this due to our ego-fixation?
Mercury sets out to restructure our thinking processes and for many of us this is painful and frustrating. Unresolved issues from the past tend to push themselves forward. (read more)
I’m not sure if I completely believe the hype about Mercury in Retrograde, but I cannot deny that my mood has been a bit off kilter lately and my attempts to communicate how I feel haven’t gone so well. So I’m going to take advantage of this time to reflect (again) on what I want and need and try to sort these things out.
I am still learning, growing, and thankfully I have y’all and my therapist to help me make sense of the world.
~~
Fam,
Do you follow astrology at all?
Do you feel any emotional changes when mercury goes retrograde?
Am I just crazy? LOL
The chorus of voices demanding a boycott of Essence Magazine have grown since the announcement that the glossy hired Ellana Placasa, a Caucasian woman, as it’s new fashion director. Many, including some of the magazine’s own staff, consider this move a slap in the face of its Black readership. Some of its critics have gone so far as to ask that its readers no longer support the magazine.
For a number of Black women, Michaela angela Davis’ tweet heard ‘round the world echoed their sentiments. She wrote, “It is with a heavy heavy heart I have learned that Essence Magazine has engaged a white fashion director, this hurts, literally, spiritually.” Although some tried to diminish her statements by calling them reverse racism, her words struck a chord with many. If Essence thought that hiring Ms. Placasa would be a non-controversial, forward thinking move, they were wrong.
Even though I also feel as though hiring Ms. Placasa was the wrong move (and even a slap in the face to the countless black/brown publishing professional struggling to be seen), the call for boycotts of the magazine make me a bit uneasy.
I have always loved Essence and saw it as the funky, hip older sister I’ve never had. I discovered the magazine in middle school, and was immediately hooked. The articles resonated with me as young Black woman at a time when most magazines showcased nothing but white faces. And as an aspiring writer, I dreamed of seeing my name in between its pages. Despite being hurt and a little pissed that Essence chose a white fashion director to be the arbiter of a Black style, I’m still not ready to leave just yet.
Since the news broke about the hiring of Ms. Placasa, several critics have been weighing in about the shift that has taken place in the magazine’s focus. Mark Anthony Neal lamented that the Essence Magazine that many of us fell in love with “hasn’t existed for a long, long time.” Instead of publishing thoughtful articles from such fierce Black women as Audre Lorde, Essencehas seemed to fall victim to the same trite cover stories (How to Keep Your Man, Can Women Have It All, Why Don’t We Get Married) as other women’s magazines. Could Essence be more forward thinking in its purpose? Definitely. But sadly, it’s all we got.
Before we throw Essence under the bus for its questionable hiring decision, I ask you to name any other major publication that focuses solely on Black women.
I’ll wait.
Sadly, the reason that makes Essence’s decision to hire a white fashion director so painful is the same reason why we shouldn’t be so quick to abandon ship. Michaela angela Davis addressed these very concerns via her Facebook page. She urged Essence’s reader NOT to desert the magazine just yet. Her message: Build, don’t destroy. She writes,
“What I don’t understand is so many black folks willing to give up on Essence. It’s easier to abandon then reinvest, but we must, even if she hurt you. Essence is our ONLY place now.”
Thankfully the internet and sites such as like Clutch carry on the tradition that Essence set forth. But tell me this. When you are browsing your local bookstore or are passing by the newsstand on the way to work, how many brown faces do you see? How would you feel if instead of seeing one or two, there was a complete and utter blackout?
If you are ready to lose yet another space in which we are represented, then by all means, boycott. But if you still want to see women who look like us represented in mainstream media, take a cue from Ms. Davis, and rebuild. Let’s get our big sister on the phone and implore her to start speaking to and for US again.
First…the self-promotion…Check out my latest article over on The Fresh Xpress entitled “Single Mom’s & Dating: Is Your Son Really Your Boyfriend.” I’d love to hear your thoughts (and feel free to share the link!).
~~
Now…bring on the books!
 goodbye babies, off to a new home! So I said I would announce the winners on Saturday, and then I got busy and well…you know how that goes. But I’ve been looking at these books everyday and every day they’ve been screaming for me to get them out. So without further adieu…THE WINNERS of my FIRST Book Surprise!
MrsTDJ
Sharon
Jeanette Nicole
Demisty Bellinger
Lovenia
Bonus (Yes, I know I said 5 people, but since it took me so long to announce this I thought I’d pick an extra!)
Kim Asha Youngs
So ladies, be on the look out for an email asking for your addresses so I can send you a book.
For those who weren’t picked, fear not…this is only the first instalment. I’ve got A LOT of books that need good homes.
Stay tuned!
Last week I accomplished another writing milestone. I had another essay, Killing Superwoman, accepted and posted by Essence.com. Once again I was excited. For me, Essence represented a goal, sort of a legitimacy as a writer, that I’ve been striving for since I cracked open my first magazine in middle school. So of course I was geeked to see my name and article posted. Until I read the comments.
Thankfully (I suppose) the comments weren’t directed toward me this time. My last go-round with Essence.com readers left me feeling some type of way about being vulnerable in a different space. I mean, some questioned my parenting skills, my intelligence, and even called me pathetic for writing about my experience trying to ensure my son knows BOTH parents, in spite of prison, love him dearly. I won’t lie, some of the words hurt. But ultimately sharing my story was a positive experience. I received supportive emails/tweets/comments and it sort of reaffirmed my voice and kind of propelled me further into claiming my name and my voice.
But this time, the comments section just seemed all types of wrong. A LOT of the comments were fraught with stereotypes about black men/women, blame, and just blatant self-hate. It seems as though being allowed to post anonymously fuels people’s need/wish to be rude and over the top.
The aim of the essay was to discusses how being superwoman, meaning being everything to everyone but yourself, is not healthy. I talked about my need to start putting myself first and how I’m going against cultural norms and seeking therapy. I was hoping to find more comments about how women (or men) have sought therapy as well to deal with their issues, but instead, a lot of the comments were just dysfunctional.
Exhibit A:
Posted by “Q”
Black women would not be so stressed if they were not having ooww children and having unprotected sex with ex-cons thugs, and nig…ers! Black women are the sole creators of their problems. P for President 2012.
I won’t even get into the spelling and grammatical errors. The underlying issue is that this person feels like women are stressed solely because of their own actions. As if outside pressers (uh sexism, anyone?) have nothing to do with how we can become stressed out. Nothing is ever that simple. But when people are allowed to hide behind computer screens, they start feeling all sorts of brave. The fact that this person is even commenting on a site for women, and specifically Black women, with SUCH hate towards us tells me a lot.
Exhibit B:
Posted by: “I HATE BLACK MEN”
@ P and Q
why are so many black men unemployed. black voices came out with a study that says that black men represent the highest number of unemployed men in the WORLD. why because they are so uneducated, dumb, lazy, and stupid
Oh and I forgot most are criminals LOL
I don’t have to add any commentary to this one. It speaks volumes.
My goal as a writer is to not only share my own story and perspective but to also start and/or continue a discourse. I love to debate as much as the next (wo)man, but I also know that trying to reason and debate with irrational people is futile. So sometimes viewing some of these comments makes me question if it’s even worth it. Is it worth sharing my voice, only for it to fall on irrational and dysfunctional ears?
James Baldwin would argue that it doesn’t matter. In his letter to Angela Davis, Baldwin writes,
Since we live in an age which silence is not only criminal but suicidal, I have been making as much noise as I can…
If we know, and do nothing, we are worse than the murderers hired in our name.
I am in no way likening myself or my writing to Baldwin, but his sentiment, that we MUST use our voice to help/teach/enlighten, is apropos. For so long I blogged anonymously. I didn’t want to be confined to people’s judgments. This has been evident in my real (read: offline) life as well. I tend to keep things to myself or just only share the good parts of myself in order to not be judged. But operating like that has stunted my growth. It made me feel like I was leading a double life and not being genuine. So I decided to claim my own voice.
Claiming my voice hasn’t been easy. It’s been a little scary. Even making the move from @prisonerswife to @BritniDWrites was a little daunting. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to be SO open, so public about my life, but I came to the realization that if I am going to have the life that I want (which includes writing publically), then I have to go ahead and put myself out there. In doing so, I am at times confronted with dysfunction and negativity (see, random essence.com comments), but I cannot let that stop me.
~~
what makes you want to quit and how do you overcome it?
How did you feel when you claimed your voice?
So I officially have a therapist. It’s a strange thing to say, but lately I’ve found myself saying, “well, my therapist says…” or “that’s what I’ve been talking about in therapy.” Yes, I’ve become one of them. You know, those people who are now in counseling and every thought is somehow connected to their sessions. Those people used to annoy me, but I have seemed to become one. So I’m going to embrace it.
I am two weeks into therapy, and my last session was much, much easier than the first. If you’ve been following me on twitter (check the new name!), then you already know how the first session went. But in case you haven’t, I’ll give you a brief recap.
I cried. For 55 minutes of that first hour, I cried.
The first session was all about tears. I released so many pint-up tears and emotions, that by the time I left his office, I felt like I was floating. It was kinda surreal. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but I knew I’d probably cry, but I didn’t realize just how much.
Between the tears we identified my goals for therapy. Through the course of our sessions I plan to:
- Gain some general life direction. Focus on the life I want & go for it.
- Build closer relationships with my friends & family. Pretty much, stop diving my myself up and REALLY embrace the phrase, “Love me or Leave Me Alone.”
- Be happier. I think the first two will help this out a lot, but overall happiness needs to be increased.
I walked into session 2 extremely hopeful. The week in between sessions was spent writing, thinking about what kind of changes I want in my life, and trying to take some actions.
Baby steps. It’s all about baby steps.
I’ve been reading Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird. In it, she writes about how writers just need to write. I’ve been making excuses for so long about NOT writing, that this idea struck me as revolutionary. So I wrote. And I re-uped my She Writes page, I tweeted, I read, and I pitched another idea to Essence.com and I reached out to Bilal’s PR people and asked if I could interview him.
I think this week has been sort of a tipping point. You know, that moment when you’re making strides to reach out and grab what you want. I have been in motion. I have not only thought about what I want, I reached out and grabbed hold of it.
I relayed this to my therapist and he told me that I was brave. For a moment I was caught off guard. When I think of people who are brave I think of those who risk their lives for others. You know, going to war, pulling someone from a burning car, those types of things. But when I sat back to think about it, saving yourself is the BRAVEST, most necessary, thing any of us will ever do. So yes, I am brave.
Seizing this moment, as small as it may be, has helped me tremendously. Since beginning therapy I have been stepping out on faith. I have been going against the grain, saying no when I mean it, and have been making baby steps toward the life that I want. I plan on reaching my destination, even if it takes a while.
~~
fam,
When was the last time you remembered you were brave?
Have you been taking steps to make your life into the one you REALLY want?
ps: so i broke down & joined tumblr. check me out:
britni danielle: the writings & ramblings of a postmodern b*girl
Twitter is amazing.
No, really, it is. Twitter has allowed me to connect with so many people I would have absolutely NO chance being around, it’s been crazy.
Yesterday I reached out to one of my favorite musical artists after noticing he was going to be in town for a performance. I have no idea WHY, maybe I was possessed by the spirit of Anne Lamott again, but I decided to reach out to him and ask if I could interview him. After trading emails with his PR person, I got the green light and am meeting with him today.
I’m pretty geeked. I resisted the urge to tweet about it, because I’m sure you know how these things can go. Girl gets all excited to interview a celeb, then he cancles, and her twitter stream is all angry and bitter. No bueno. So I’m keeping this one close to the vest until it’s actually DONE.
But I have questions.
Although I am a writer, and have had the pleasure to do Q&A sessions with some FABULOUS authors, I haven’t actually interviewed anyone LIVE…and with the hopes of pitching the interview to a magazine (online or otherwise). I have written for popular websites/publications, but those pieces have come from me–my mind, my opinion–so this is kind of a scary situation.
I’ve done my research. Although I’m a fan of the artist, I made sure to read up on him, listen to his new music, and come up with possible questions for the interview. I am not walking in BLIND, but I don’t want to look like a complete amateur either. And I most certainly don’t want this to be my last live interview (and possible freelance gig).
So fam, I need you help.
What kind of advice can you give me to help me:
1) not sound like a complete idiot
2) stay calm
3) Pitch this interview/article to publications (can I pitch it as an interview to one & a profile to another?)
Any advice, ideas, or just words of encouragement are welcome.
 goodbye babies, off to a new home!
So I have a lot of books. I love to read. Love walking into my local Borders, looking around, and walking home with a book. Books are like my kryptonite. My crack. I love getting lost in words, reading and writing. Devouring them. But once I’m done I rarely reread them. The mystery is gone. I know the ending, nothing is a surprise anymore. You’d think the library would be a good solution for my book addiction, but it’s something about owning a book. Supporting the author’s dream. I feel as though maybe if I support them now, my book (providing I ever finish it) won’t be such a flop later.
My bookshelves runneth over.
I simply have no more room. I won’t even take a picture of my bookshelf, it’s too embarrassing. Books stuffed so tight into each and every space. Stacked on top of each other, no rhyme or reason to its organization. It’s a book free-for-all in there and I need more space.
Unfortunately for me (but fortunately for you), I have NO more space. I’ve toyed with the idea of buying another bookshelf, but that would only make this book addiction worse. So I’ve come to the grim conclusion that I’ve got to part with some of my babies—I mean books. But this is good…for you at least.
I’ve thought about selling them to a used bookstore, selling them on Amazon, or just donating them, but I’d like my books to have a good home. So, I thought about it, and I decided to pass them onto you. This stack is but a mere sampling. After much sorting and hemming and hawing, these are the books I’m able to part with now (and just sorting THESE was a struggle). Some of them were free, most I paid GOOD money for. All of them are in great condition and a lot of them are fabulous reads (I’ve reviewed some on this here site).
SO here’s how it will work:
- If you want a book, leave a comment.
- Tell me a little bit about what you like to read.
- I will then select a book I think you might like and surprise you with it! (you can’t pick the book you want. It’s more fun this way, no?)
- In the interest of my pocketbook, I’m going to only pick 5 folks (randomly) to surprise this time around (since I’m covering shipping costs), but if you want me to send you one on YOUR dime, email me. We can make it happen.
- All I ask is that you read the book, and once done…pass it onto someone else.
People don’t read enough anymore and the English teacher in me wants to do something about it. So…leave a comment, get a book, read it and pass it on.
~~
ps: you cannot have my Baldwin, poem anthologies, Hurston, or my bell hooks. Everything else is up for grabs.
pps: that Zane book was FREE. Just had to clear that up LOL
“I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.” –Audre Lorde
Yesterday I had an epiphany.
There is far too much weight placed on these shoulders. Although they are broad, and I’m a grown woman, I’m tired of carrying it alone. So I’ve decided to see a therapist.
Ok, so that’s not exactly earth-shattering. But this is kind of a big deal.
Yesterday I was reading, Jo’s essay about patriarchy and how it can literally kill, and it just brought so many thoughts to the forefront of my mind. Her argument centered around the fact that not allowing yourself to be vulnerable can be detrimental to yourself and others. Stay with me.
You see, Brooklyn boy and I are still talking. Despite our decision to step back a few weeks ago, we have kept up our discourse. The other night we had a particularly thorny conversation and I held my tongue, in the interest of keeping the peace (Or keeping a piece for myself, which I have always done). But I went to bed cursing. After reading her piece, however, I saw how…unproductive keeping shit bottled up can be and I just spilled. My mind spilled all over the email and he responded in the same manner. Vulnerable. No fear of being open. No fear of not looking good or being judged. Just. Open.
That got me to thinking.
I tend to live inside my head. I will over-think things to DEATH. I have conversations inside my head, and respond to people, passionately (in my head), but won’t do so in person. It’s almost like I have dual parts of myself. The “real” Britni, who’s all passion and fire and quirks, and the calm, aloof, too-cool-for-school Britni who is quick witted and is able to hide behind a silver tongue. Both of these are parts of the whole, but rarely does the “real” Britni show herself, bare and uncaring of what others think.
The other thing Jo’s essay brought up is the fact I have some unresolved issues with Beloved. This thing with Brooklyn Boy, the fact that after years of not speaking, we are this close this fast says a lot about what I need and want. Beloved and I have been disconnected for nearly a year. He is in solitary and cannot make calls. He rarely writes, and the last time I saw him was February. It’s been hard. This situation with Brooklyn Boy came at THE worst and THE best time. Worst because it’s easier for me to fall, have real feelings. Best because I need(ed) the intimacy of having someone get to know me, care about me, be worried about ME for once. This Brookly Boy conundrum has also highlighted the fact that, although I love Beloved with my whole heart, I have some unresolved anger at him. It is because of his choices that I’m forced to live this abnormal life. His decisions put us here. And that pisses me off.
All of these things swirl around in my head. They rarely gain escape save for a few confessional-type blog post or poems. But I have not and do not speak them aloud. I’m starting to see that this is not how life should work. I don’t want to resent Beloved. I don’t want to walk around, mind full, waiting to explode. I don’t want to constantly question if my decisions are good or if I’m just crazy. What I want is a normal life. A normal load. The ability to be my whole self, no matter how weird, or how quirky, or how Punky Brewster I may be. I want to be me. And not care what people say or think.
Deciding to call a therapist is big. It’s scary. But it’s also the first step in getting to the life I want. So I’m going to jump at it and hold on.
~~~
Fam,
have you been to therapy?
did it help/hurt?
have you thought about going? what’s stopping you?
*shout out to all of you guys who were SO supportive of my decision to seek help when i tweeted about it. y’all are AH-MAY-ZING!
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